I had to think about this for while, oddly. It felt a little
bit like wondering why I walk, or why I breathe—things I don’t have to
consciously think about, things I simply do.
Writing feels like that to me most of the time, because I don’t remember a time
when I wasn’t writing something. (If we didn’t have creative writing
assignments in elementary school, I made up my own. Seriously.)
And yet, I don’t wake up every morning ready to explode if I
don’t siphon off some of the stories in my head, mostly because they’re not
fully formed stories until they’re written. I don’t have a physical need to sit
staring at my laptop until my contacts are permanently burned onto my eyes, and
my neck is wondering what the hell it ever did to me to be forced into that
position for so long. And, believe it or not, I’m not doing it for the money or
the fame, either.
It’s taken a while to figure out, but I think I write
because it’s my own form of therapy. I write to solve problems, or to figure
out how I feel about things when the tangle of emotions is too ridiculously
knotted to pick apart any other way. Granted, I probably have at least a basic
need to tell stories, and to clean out some of the ideas rattling around in my
head, but the heart of it is not that simple.
Curiosity is what always gets me going first. Take Cold Kiss. First, mostly goofing around,
I wanted to see if I could write a book about a zombie. But the longer I
thought about it, the less I wanted a protagonist who was brain-hungry and
decomposing. So that meant voodoo zombies, which are raised purposefully (and
usually as, more or less, a slave).
Then the question became, who would raise someone from the
dead? And why, for god’s sake? Thus Wren Darby—frantically, epically grieving
the death of her first boyfriend—was born.
But it wasn’t until the book was finished—and by finished I
mean, revised, revised again, copyedited, and actually printed—that I really
understood what I had written about it. And it wasn’t—surprise,
surprise—zombies. It was about grief, and the threat of loss, and how you cope
when someone you love dies. Seems sort of obvious, right? But writing the book
wasn’t just a process of getting Wren to figure that out—it was me, too,
dealing with my own complicated emotions about my mom, who has been chronically
ill most of my life, and near death a few too many times for comfort.
I wrote a book called Pictures
of Us for Harlequin a few years ago, and realized that the same thing had
happened. It’s a book about a married couple dealing with a shocking
revelation, and I had originally scribbled down the idea and the first bits of
it years and years ago—when I was pretty newly married. Now, there were no
shocking revelations in my marriage—yay!—but when I finally had the chance to
write the book, I discovered a lot of fears I had clearly been burying about
marrying really young (I was twenty-one) and what marriage was supposed to
mean. (Everyone got a happy ending, for
the record, including me.)
See? Problem solving. Or, you know, do-it-yourself
therapy. At some point, my brain decided
to turn my love of writing into a multitasking process, I guess. And I’m totally okay with that. It makes
wondering what my initial story ideas are really about a whole lot more
interesting, anyway.
Great post, Amy! I really identify with the juxtaposition of writing feeling as natural as breathing, but not feeling compelled to do so all the time.
ReplyDeletei don't write but i love to read. anytime i have a spare moment that's more than likely what i'm doing. i love to just enter into another world even if it's just for a few minutes : )
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you said about writing as a way of defining a problem or clarifying how I feel about something. I think it's a means of dredging the abyss that is the subconscious. Though sometimes I’ve wanted to throw back what I’ve hauled in. (-:
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