Sample Crit

Today we have our first same crit to go over! Yay! Remember, this is just one opinion and is meant in the most helpful, constructive way. The intentions of these posts are to help writers!

Enjoy!

The original sample text

Davi had heard the whispers of the kingdom.  He had felt it, too—a stirring in the air, telling of the return of legends long feared.  It all came down to the sightings: a glimpse of a wing here, a dark shape darting across the sky there. 

In this, Davi was one step ahead of everyone else.  He knew what they didn’t.  He dared to speak the word they were afraid to even think.
Dragons.
He hid in the shadows of a small house, crouching precariously on a barrel by the window.  The window was open just a crack, but it was enough to let the voices of the two  men inside drift through. 
“It’s true, isn’t it,” the first man said, his voice familiar to Davi. 
“Is what true?”  The shorter man kept shifting his hands uncomfortably, nervous.
“The rumors.  About the—”  The taller man leaned closer to his companion.  “—the dragon.”
Davi froze.  That voice.  Gold Flames, he’d hoped he would never have to hear it again. 
“Oh, those?  Yes, they’re true.  I saw it myself.”  They spoke of the dragon as if simply mentioning it would summon it there, fire and all.
The first man turned his head slightly, allowing Davi to see his features.  He was older—mid-fifties, maybe—and had dark brown hair that was turning gray to match his cloak.  That confirmed it: Lord Avion, a man Davi knew all too well, was up to something.  “What direction did it fly?” he asked.
 “North.  It was a shimmery blue, with eyes like great sapphires.”
Davi ran through his mental list, counting on his fingers.  It had to be Pyrina, he decided.  She preferred the towering mountains and snow of the northern regions, from which she got her name.  What was she doing here?
“North,” Avion repeated.  He leaned back into his chair, deep in thought.
There was a long pause.  The shorter man continued to fidget restlessly.
Davi, too, was beginning to grow impatient.  He didn’t have all night.
Finally, Avion spoke.  “You must follow it, then.”
Follow her, Davi corrected silently.  Follow her.
“I want some information,” he continued.  “Where did it come from?  Is it safe?  Are there any more?”
Davi nearly laughed aloud.  Were there any more?  That was the whole point, to collect eggs and keep them safe.  The goal was to keep dragons from going extinct.  The man had no idea…
The shorter man sat up straighter.  “Yes, sir.  I can do that for you.”
“Good.”  The two men stood.  The shorter man moved toward the door.
“I’ll take the North exit, then.”
Avion nodded, but lingered inside.  After his companion was safely outside, he reached reverently for a red velvet bag on the shelf.  Gently, he pulled out a stunning stone, a dark, sparkling emerald green.
Both Davi and Avion caught their breath.  It was, in a mysterious, even dangerous sort of way, beautiful.  It glowed softly, lighting up the dark room.  The light seemed to shift, as if something was living inside, although when Davi focused on it, it appeared still.
From the second he saw it, Davi knew exactly what it was.  

My commented version and notes

 

Davi had heard the whispers of the kingdom.  He had felt it, too—a stirring in the air, telling of the return of legends long feared.  It all came down to the sightings: a glimpse of a wing here, a dark shape darting across the sky there.  (This is all very mysterious and it sets the mood very well, but… yes, there is always a ‘but’, it tells the reader/agent/editor nothing and it’s a tad bit passive.

Side note: Here’s a harsh fact about sample pages: the judgment of your novel is based on your sample pages alone and the first word, first sentence, first paragraph has to the grab the reader. While this does that in the mood sense, it’s passive.

In this, Davi was one step ahead of everyone else.  He knew what they didn’t.  He dared to speak the word they were afraid to even think.

Dragons. This is good. Got right to the point. Dragons!

He hid in the shadows of a small house, crouching precariously on a barrel by the window.  The window was open just a crack, but it was enough to let the voices of the two men inside drift through. 

“It’s true, isn’t it,” the first man said, his voice familiar to Davi. 

“Is what true?”  The shorter man kept shifting his hands uncomfortably, nervous. Here, you don’t need uncomfortably (watch the adverbs) and nervous. They are the same. Pick one.

“The rumors.  About the—” The taller man leaned closer to his companion.  “—the dragon.”

Davi froze.  That voice.  Gold Flames, he’d hoped he would never have to hear it again.  Why? Needs more here. Not the whole story, because I’m sure it plays into the plot/suspense or you would’ve explained it, but it needs a bit more to get me wondering why and you want the reader wondering because they will continue to read.

“Oh, those?  Yes, they’re true.  I saw it myself.”  They spoke of the dragon as if simply mentioning it would summon it there, fire and all.

The first man turned his head slightly, allowing Davi to see his features.  He was older—mid-fifties, maybe—and had dark brown hair that was turning gray to match his cloak.  That confirmed it: Lord Avion, a man Davi knew all too well, was up to something.  “What direction did it fly?” he asked.

 “North.  It was a shimmery blue, with eyes like great sapphires.”

Davi ran through his mental list, counting on his fingers.  It had to be Pyrina, he decided.  She preferred the towering mountains and snow of the northern regions, from which she got her name.  What was she doing here? So apparently he’s not afraid of drags? Which doesn’t match the ominous tone of the first paragraph. Good introduction of Pyrina though.

“North,” Avion repeated.  He leaned back into his chair, deep in thought.

There was a long pause.  The shorter man continued to fidget restlessly.

Davi, too, was beginning to grow impatient.  He didn’t have all night.

Finally, Avion spoke.  “You must follow it, then.”

Follow her, Davi corrected silently.  Follow her.

“I want some information,” he continued.  “Where did it come from?  Is it safe?  Are there any more?”

Davi nearly laughed aloud.  Were there anymore?  That was the whole point, to collect eggs and keep them safe.  The goal was to keep dragons from going extinct.  The man had no idea… Who’s goal? Davi’s? The man? Frosty the snowman? Clarification needed here.

The shorter man sat up straighter.  “Yes, sir.  I can do that for you.”

“Good.”  The two men stood.  The shorter man moved toward the door.

“I’ll take the North exit, then.”

Avion nodded, but lingered inside.  After his companion was safely outside, he reached reverently for a red velvet bag on the shelf.  Gently, he pulled out a stunning stone, a dark, sparkling emerald green.

Both Davi and Avion caught their breath.  It was, in a mysterious, even dangerous sort of way, beautiful.  It glowed softly, lighting up the dark room.  The light seemed to shift, as if something was living inside, although when Davi focused on it, it appeared still.

From the second he saw it, Davi knew exactly what it was.  (Well, hell’s bells, I want to know what it is. So a great ending right there.)

Okay, I’m going to break this done into the: good and the not so good.

• The good

You obviously know how to write. You have a good handle on grammar, which is really, really good. I You also know how to set up a mysterious air to the writing and that makes a reader want to know more. And that is awesome. So you are off to a wonderful start.

• The not so good

Not enough is given in some areas as noted above. You need to know when to tell more to hook the reader and when to leave them waiting. The whole saving eggs needs to be clarified. Also, I have no idea if I’m reading a YA or Adult novel. The voice doesn’t go either way, so you may want to work on voice so that I can read the first couple of paragraphs and know what I’m reading.  My only other concern is the adverb use. I’ve went back and highlighted the adverbs just so you can see how many ‘ly’ we have.

All and all, this is a good sample that needs little work. Hope this helps!